A Swap to Remember
by deepfathom
Summary: Please forgive me for the dragon-related word-torture you are about to endure. This is the strange, random crap born of stupidity and boredom that falls out of my brain when I'm too tired to care. Because dragon nip. Yes.
"You two know that stuff's completely bogus, right?"

Snotlout stretched out along the length of a thick tree branch, half-devoured mutton leg in one hand and looking almost too contented. And why shouldn't he? This was a prime front row seat for viewing the latest of the twins' antics and he wasn't about to miss a second.

Tuffnut rearranged the scattering of small objects—smooth stones, a mushroom, a chicken feather, tiny bones and a lock of his own hair—on the flat stump he and his sister were using for a table.

"Shh!" he hushed as he and Ruff once again consulted a large, disintegrating book. "You're upsetting the spirits and interrupting our vibe!"

Snotlout rolled his eyes and took another hunk out of the delicious leg.

"Hmm, let's see," Ruffnut hummed, running a finger down the page until she found what she was searching for, "I think we have everything, bro. Ready to give this a whirl?"

"Am I ever! Let's do this."

The two, faces painted with runes and designs of every shape and color, shared a quick high-five, then turned to face East with their arms raised.

"Haha, you guys are so stupid—"

Snotlout's amused comment was quickly drowned out by the earsplitting howls the twins sent skyward. It was nearly impossible to tell what they were saying—if they were saying anything at all—but he thought he caught the words "trouble", "swiftly", "lightning", and of course "Loki".

Typical twins.

Going back to his snack after a wince, Snotlout considered hopping out of the tree and going off to throw sharp things at trees until the nonsense passed, but found himself becoming slightly more interested as the siblings began a wild, flailing dance around the stump. The lengths the Thorston twins would go to to create havoc was astounding.

The "spellbook", they claimed, had been gathering dust under a floorboard in their house for a century, waiting for them—the "True Heirs"—to find it. Of course, that brought up the fact that almost every house on Berk had been built within the past couple of years and the book couldn't possibly have been stashed under the floorboards, (which, of course brought about a minor scuffle) but the twins never deviated from their belief. So, ever eager to watch them yet again make total idiots of themselves, Snotlout tagged along with them into the woods.

"SHISHKABOB-PALLOOKA-SKABOOKAH-KAZAM!" the Thorstons topped things off with an overly exuberant flourish, each landing in their own outlandish pose…

Snotlout was about to tell them exactly what he thought of it all when a bright bolt of lightning crackled across the sky, causing him to drop the mutton and sit straight up. Out of nowhere, grey storm clouds rolled in above, bringing with them a heady wind and a disconcerting, musty smell. Maybe this wasn't as funny as he'd thought it was going to be.

At first as shocked as their stocky companion, Ruff and Tuff both dropped their arms, staring in awe at their hands, then exchanged a stunned glance which dissolved into grins of wicked glee.

"It's working!" shouted Ruffnut. "We're geniuses! And also sorcerers!"

Tuffnut answered with an evil cackle, jumping up and down with his fists held high.

"Yes! YESSSS! We, the Mighty Thorstons, shall now wield our newfound powers and reign in terror—"

"—and endless helpings of dessert—"

"—and endless helpings of dessert, yes, thank you—upon Berk! We claim total dominion over the Barbaric Archapelago from Outcast Island to—"

From somewhere in the forest to their right came a bloodcurdling scream and a bluish-purple blast. Again startled, Snotlout fell off his branch, landing between the twins and quickly scrambling to his feet.

"Uh-uh, no way, I'm not scared! But…does anybody else think that sounded an awful lot like—"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! Whath happen—GETH BACK HERE! You can'th go running offth with—AAGH, HEY! WHY AM I—DON'T EATH THATHP!"

The trio stood speechless few moments before the brush rustled and through it stumbled…

"Hiccup?!" they blurted.

This was indeed their friend…or what _used_ to be their friend. Covered from head to toe in a generous layer of sticks, mud and leaves, he looked as if he'd just taken a good, refreshing roll in the dirt. Out of his mouth poked the tail-end of a wad of dragon nip, which could easily explain his loopy, nearly crazed expression and actions. He blinked, head tilting from side to side in wonder and confusion while staggering drunkenly toward them, arms flopping out of control. Then, with a very non-human grunt and a huff of his nostrils, he dropped to all-fours and crashed away, zig-zagging through the brambles and bashing into a few tree trunks as he did.

"Uh…" started Snotlout, mouth hanging open. "You guys saw all of that, right? Please tell me I'm not the only one who saw Hiccup run through here like a maniac with a mouthful of dragon nip."

"Oohoo!" Ruff cringed at the resounding thud of another hit. "He's gonna feel that one tomorrow. And how could we _not_ see that?"

"Here's the real question," continued Snotlout. "How can we _un-_ see that?! Guuh!"

"Can't, my friend," said Tuff, slapping him on a shoulder. "Why would you want to, anyway? You're the first to witness our powers in action!"

Snotlout crossed his arms, lowering his eyelids. "Oh, come _on_. Hiccup happens to fly off the handle and take a trip right after you two dance around screaming gibberish—"

"TOOFFPLESSTH!" came the shout before another individual, much larger and scalier than the previous, burst into the clearing.

"D'AAAGH!" the three jumped back in horror as the Night Fury lunged at them and landed flat on his stomach.

"GUYTHHS!" Toothless's mouth was moving, but, disturbingly, it was Hiccup's voice coming out of it, tripping over a thick, unfamiliar tongue and showering them in dragon spit.

Snotlout wrinkled his nose, taking a step backwards. "Gross! Say it, don't spray it, will ya?"

"G-GUYSTH! Did you—" Hiccup shuddered and coughed, sending a small bolt of plasma over their heads, then scrambled up. "Wh-wha…what'sth thatth?!" He turned a panicked circle as if trying to catch a glimpse of his hind end. "What'sth Sthhhhuck to my buttth?!"

"It's called a 'tail', genius," Tuff snorted.

"WHY DO I HAVE A—WHAT'STH GOING—AAAGH!

"Simmer down, Hicc-Tooth," Ruffnut cooed soothingly, "what you're experiencing may be a bit uncomfortable at first, but–"

Naturally, this did nothing in the way of calming him. "GNAA! Quickth! D-did you sfthee me–uh, Toofpthlessth run by here a frlew sthhecondthp ago? He'th gonna kill me…I mean himthlelf!"

"You mean that scraggly human kid whacked out on dragon nip?" Ruff giggled. "Sure did—hey, watch it!"

"EEYYAAH!" Hiccup paid her no attention, making another rotation in the opposite direction and tottering sideways to the ground. "Thomebody tell me flwhat'sth going on!"

"Well," began Tuff, "it all started one glorious, sunny morning a few days ago when, after a delicious, wholesome breakfast, Ruff and I decided to go searching for our missing—"

"NEVFLER MIND! Justtth…" the talking Night Fury trailed off, looking a bit squeamish. "Oh no, I thfwink…I thfwink I'm going to…"

"Please, Thor, no!" Snotlout yelped.

With a disgusting, throaty gagging sound and a heave, a pile of slimy, half-digested fish came hurling out of the dragon's mouth to land splat on the ground.

"UUUGGGH!" Ruffnut and Snotlout jumped back in horror.

Tuffnut merely smiled in mild astonishment. "Cool."

"That'sthflw—ughk!—better," Hiccup hiccuped, drawing a scaled forearm across his mouth and looking up blearily. Then his green dragon eyes grew round, darting back and forth between the book-toting twins and their talisman-covered stump. "Wait a thsecond…you two hadth fthsomething to do withsp thisfth, didn'fth you!"

Now fully recovered from the initial shock of the situation and trying to hold in a laugh, Snotlout made a show of sidestepping Ruff and Tuff.

"Totally them."

"Totally us," Ruff agreed enthusiastically. "Have you heard the news? We're sorcerers now!"

"Y-you guysth sthomelhow… _shhhwapped_ me and Tooffpwesthp—" Hiccup the Night Fury was cut off by an impressive sneeze that sent him flying backwards. "Gaah!"

"Alas," Tuff sighed, now almost laughably serious, "this is true, but never fear. Now that we understand the powers we possess, all will be well."

"Will you ftop talking like thatth! Why ith he talking like thatthp?"

"Why are you standing there as a dragon?" Snotlout countered with a smirk. "Also, what's with the sneezing?"

"Sthwuut up! How Sfould I know?"

"Thank you, Mighty Loki!" Tuffnut's voice quavered with emotion. "Thank you for showing us what we are capable of before it was too late."

"T-too… _late_?!" Hiccup shouted through a series of sporadic sneezes and plasma. "I'm a dfrwagon! A _dfrwagon_! I'm barfthling up fisffth and…and slweezing fire!"

"Ha," snorted Snotlout. "Never thought you' be one to complain about experiencing what it's like to be a dragon. Why don't you go write about it in your little journal thingy?"

" _Barfthling up fisffth and slweeezing fire,_ Thotloutf! Befthideth, I don't halve fingwrth! Toofplisth ith dragging me flthrough…I mean running flthrough the foresfth in _my_ body eathwing _dragon nip_ and _who knowlth_ whatever elsfe!"

Ignoring him, Ruff picked up the spellbook, hugging it close. "Yes, thank you, Mighty Loki," she said, adopting much the same awed tone as her brother as the two began a procession toward the village.

"W-waith—UGHKCHOO!" Hiccup sneezed violently after them. "Where're you going? You'veth glotta revefersthp the…flsthop! You've gotta turn uth back! Hey!"

Beside him, Snotlout was fighting an intense inner battle over whether to run in the opposite direction in pure, mad terror, or succumb to a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Eventually, he went with the latter…which was brought to an abrupt halt as a ball of purplish fire—too small to do much damage, but large enough to bring home the point—caught him full in the backside.


End file.
